Confessions — Book II: Adolescence and the Pear Theft

I will now call to mind my past faleness, and the carnal corruptions of my soul, not because I love them, but that I may love thee, oh my God. For love of thy love I do it, reviewing my most wicked ways in the very bitterness of my remembrance, that Daumeus grows sweet unto me, their sweetness never failing, their blissful and assured sweetness, and gathering me again out

Of that my dissipation wherein I was torn piecemeal, while turned from thee the one good I lost myself among a multiplicity of things. For I even burned in my youth here to four, to be satiated in things below, and I dared to grow wild again, with these various and shadowy loves, my beauty consumed away, and I stank in thine eyes, pleasing myself, and desire us to please in the eyes of men.

And what was it that I delighted in, but to love and be loved? But I kept not the measure of love, of mind to mind, friendship's bright boundary, but out of the muddy concupacence of the flesh and the bubblings of youth, mists fumed up which be clouded and overcast my heart, that I could not discern the clear brightness of love from the fog of lustfulness.

Both did confusedly boil in me, and hurried my unstayed youth over the precipice of unholy desires, and sunk me in a gulf of fledgiciousnesses. I rothed, gathered over me, and I knew it not.

I was grown deaf by the clanking of the chain of my mortality, the punishment of the pride of my soul, and I strayed further from thee, and thou letest me alone, and I was tossed about and wasted and dissipated, and I'd boiled over in my fornications, and thou heldest thy peace, O thou my tardy joy." Thou then heldest thy peace, and I wandered further and further from thee into more and more fruitless seed plots of sorrows with a proud dejectedness and a restless weiriness.

Oh, that someone had then attempted my disorder and turned to account the fleeting beauties of these, the extreme points of thy creation. had put a bound to their pleasurableness, that so the tides of my youth might have cast themselves upon the marriage, sure, if they could not be calmed. And kept within the object of a family, as thy law prescribes, O Lord, who this way form us the offspring of this our death, being able with a gentle hand to blunt the thorns which were excluded from thy

Paradise. For thy omnipotency is not far from us, even when we be far from thee. Else ought I more watchfully to have heeded the voice from the clouds. Nevertheless, such shall have trouble in the flesh, but I spare you.

And it is good for a man not to touch a woman. And he that is unmarried thinketh of the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord, but he that is married careeth for the things of this world, how he may please his wife. To these words, I should have listened more attentively, and being severed for the kingdom of heaven's sake, had more happily awaited thy embraces, but I, poor wretch, phoned like a troubled sea, following the rushing of my own tide,

Forsaking thee, and exceeded all thy limits, yet I escaped not thy scourges. For what mortal can? For thou weret ever with me mercifully rigorous and besprinkling with most bitter alloy all my unlawful pleasures that I might seek pleasures without alloy.

But where to find such? I could not discover, saving thee, O Lord, who teachest by sorrow and woundest us to heal and killest us lest we die from thee. Where was I? And how far was I exiled from the delights of thy house, in that sixteenth year of the age of my flesh, when the madness of lust, to which human shamelessness giveeth free license, though unlicensed by thy laws, took

The rule over me, and I resigned myself wholly to it. My friends, meanwhile, took no care by marriage to say my fault. Their only care was that I should learn to speak excellently and be a persuasive orator. For that year were my studies intermitted, whilst after my return from Madora and neighbour City, whether I had journeyed to learn grammar and rhetoric, the expenses for a further journey to Carthage were being provided for me, and that, rather by the resolution than the means

Of my father, who was but a poor Freeman of the Gaste. To whom tell I this? Not to thee, my God, but before thee, to my known kind, even to that small portion of mankind as may light upon these writings of mine.

And to what purpose? That whosoever reads this may think out of what debts we are to cry unto thee. For what is nearer to thine ears than a confessing heart and a life of faith?

Who did not extol my father? For that, beyond the ability of his means, he would furnish his son with all necessary for a far journey for his studies sake. for many far abler citizens did no such thing for their children, but yet this same father had no concern how I grew towards thee, or how chaste I were, so that I were but copious in speech, however barren I were to thy culture, O God, who art the only true and good Lord of thy field, my heart.

But while in that my 16th year I lived with my parents, leaving all school for a while, a season of idleness being interposed through the narrowness of my parents' fortunes, the briars of unclean desires grew rank over my head, and there was no hand to root them out. When that my father saw me at the baths, now growing towards manhood and endured with a restless youthfulness, he has already hence anticipating his descendants gladly told it to my mother,

Rejoicing in that tumult of the senses where in the world forgeteth. thee its creator, and becomeeth enamored of thy creature, instead of thy self, through the fumes of that invisible wine of its self-will, turning aside and bowing down to the very basis things.

But in my mother's breast, thou hadst already begun thy temple, and the foundation of thy holy habitation, whereas my father was as yet but a catacumain, and that but recently. She then was startled with a holy fear and trembling, and though I was not as yet baptized, feared for me those crooked ways in which they walk who turn their back to thee, and not their face, woe is

Me." And dare I say that thou heldest thy peace, oh my God, while I wandered further from thee, didst thou then indeed hold thy peace to me? And whose but thine were these words which by my mother thy faithful one thou sangest in my ears? Nothing were of sunk into my heart, so as to do it.

For she wished, and I remember in private with great anxiety, warned me not to commit fornication, but especially never to defile another man's wife. These seemed to me womanish advices, which I should blush to obey.

But they were thine, and I knew it not, and I thought, Thou word silent, and that it was she who spoke, by whom Thou word not silent unto me, and in her waste despised by me, her son, the son of thy hand made, thy servant.

But I knew it not. and ran headlong with such blindness that amongst my equals I was ashamed of a less shamelessness. When I heard them boast of their fledgiciousness, yea, and the more boasting, the more they were degraded, and I took pleasure not only in the pleasure of the deed, but in the praise. What is worthy of dispraise but vice? But I made myself worse than I was, that I might not be dispraised, and when in anything I had not sinned as the abandoned ones, I would say that I had done what I had not done, that I

Might not seem contemptible in proportion as I was innocent, or of less account, the more chased. behold, with what companions I walk, the streets of Babylon, and wallowed in the mire thereof, as if in a bed of spices and precious ointments. And that I might cleave the faster to its very centre, the invisible enemy trod me down and seduced me, for that I was easy to be seduced.

Neither did the mother of my flesh, who had now fled out of the centre of Babylon, yet went more slowly in the skirts thereof, as she advised me to chastity, so heed what she had heard of me from her husband, as to restrain within the bounds of conjugal affection, if it could not be paired away to the quick, what she felt to be pestilent at present, and for the future, dangerous.

She heeded not this, for she feared lest a wife should prove a clog and hindrance to my hopes. not those hopes of the world to come, which my mother opposed in thee. But the hope of learning which both my parents were to desire as I should attain, my father, because he had next to no thought of thee and of me, but vain conceits my mother, because she accounted that those

Usual courses of learning would not only be no hindrance, but even some furtherance towards attaining thee. for thus I conjecture, recalling, as well as I may, the disposition of my parents. The reigns meantime was slackened to me, beyond all temper of due severity, to spend my time in sport, yea, even unto disilluteness in whatsoever I affected. And in all was amissed, intercepting from me, oh my God, the brightness of thy truth, and mine iniquity burst out as from very fatness.

Theft is punished by thy law, O Lord, and the law written in the hearts of men, which iniquity itself if face is not, for what thief will abide a thief, not even a rich thief, one stealing through want, yet I lusted to thief and did it, compelled by no hunger nor poverty, but through a cloidness of well-doing and a pamperedness of iniquity,

For I stole that of which I had enough, and much better. Nor cared I to enjoy what I stole, but joyed in the theft and sin itself. A pear tree there was near our vineyard, laden with fruit, tempting neither for colour nor taste. To shake and rob this, some lured young fellows of us went, late one night having, according to our pestilent custom, prolonged our sports in the streets till then,

And took huge loads. Not for our eating but to fling to the very Hobbes, had he only tasted them. And this, but to do what we liked only because it was misliked. Behold my heart, O God, behold my heart, which Thou hast pity upon in the bottom of the bottomless pit. Now, behold, let my heart tell thee what it sought there, that I should be gratuitously evil having no temptation to ill but to ill itself.

It was foul, and I loved it, I loved to perish, I loved to mine own fault, not for which I was faulty, but my fault itself. Foul soul, falling from thy firmament to utter destruction, not seeking ought through the shame, but the shame itself. For there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and silver, and all things, and in bodily touch sympathy has much influence, and each other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered.

Will the honour have also its grace and the power of overcoming and of mastery when springs also the first of revenge? But yet to obtain all these we may not depart from the O Lord nor decline from thy law.

The life also which here we live hath its own enchantment through a certain proportion of its own and a correspondence with all things beautiful here below. Human friendship also is endeared with the sweet tie by reason of the unity formed of many souls. Upon occasion of all these and the like is sin committed, while through an immoderating clonation towards these goods of the lowest order, the better and higher are forsaken.

Thou, our Lord God thy truth and thy law. for these lower things have their delights, but not like my God who made all things, for in him doth the righteous delight and he is the joy of the upright in heart.

When then we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not unless it appear that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those which we called lower goods, or a fear of losing them. for they are beautiful and cumbly, although compared with those higher and beatific goods, they be abject and low.

A man hath murdered another why. He loved his wife or his estate, or would rob for his own livelihood, or fear to lose some such things by him, or wronged, was on fire to be revengeed. would any commit murder upon no cause, delighted simply in murdering.

Who would believe it? For as for that furious and savage man of whom it is said that he was gratuitously evil and cruel, yet is the cause assigned, lest, sayeth he, through idleness hand or heart should grow inactive.

And to what end? That, through that practice of guilt, he might, having taken the city, attain to honours, empire, riches, and be freed from fear of the laws, and his embarrassments from domestic needs and consciousness of villainies.

So then. Not even Catiline himself loved his own villainies, but something else for who sake he did them. What then did wretched eyes so love in thee thou theft of mine thou deed of darkness in that sixteenth year of my age? Lovely thou weret not because thou weret theft, but art thou anything that thus I speak to thee. Fair were the pairs we stole because they were thy creation.

Thou fairest of all, Creator of all, Thou good God, God, the sovereign good and my true good, the sovereign good and my true good. fair with those pairs, but not them did my wretched soul desire, for I had store of better, and those I gathered only that I might steal. For when gathered I flung them away, my only feast therein being my own sin which I was pleased to enjoy, for if all of those pairs came within my mouth, what sweetened it was the sin.

And now, O Lord my God, I inquire what in that theft delighted me, and behold it hath no loveliness. I mean not such loveliness as injustice and wisdom, nor such as is in the mind and memory, and senses, and animal life of man, nor yet as the stars are glorious and beautiful in their orbs, or the earth or sea full of embryo life, replacing by its birth that which decayeth, nay nor even that false and shadowy beauty which belonged to deceiving vices.

The cruelty of the great would feign be feared, but who is to be feared but God alone, out of whose power what can be rested or withdrawn, when or where or wither or by whom? The tenderness of the wanton would feign be counted love, yet is nothing more tender than thy charity, nor is ought loved more healthfully than thy truth, bright and beautiful above all.

Curiosity makes semblance of a desire of knowledge, whereas thou supremely knowest all. Yeh, ignorance and foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and unenduriousness because nothing is found more single than thee and what less injurious since they are his own works which injure the sinner.

Yeh, sloth would fame be at rest but watch stable rest besides the Lord, luxury affects to be called plenty in abundance, but thou art the fullness and never failing plentiousness of incorruptible pleasures. Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality, but thou art the most overflowing giver of all good. Coveredness would possess many things, and thou possessest all things.

Envy disputes for excellency. What more excellent than thou? Anger seeks revenge. Who revanges more justly than thou? Fear startles at things unwanted and sudden, which endangers things beloved and takes forethought for their safety, but to THE what unwanted or sudden, or who separate it from the what thou lovest, or where but with thee is unshaken safety. Thus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from thee, seeking without thee, what she find if not pure and untainted, till she returns to thee.

Thus all pervertedly imitate thee, who remove far from thee, and lift themselves up against thee. But even by thus imitating thee, they imply thee to be the Creator of all nature, once there is no place wither altogether to retire from thee. What then did I love in that theft, and wherein did I even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my Lord? Did I wish even by stealth to do contrary to thy law because by power I could not, so that being a prisoner I might mimic a maimed liberty by doing with impunity things unpermitted me, a darkened likeness of

Thy omnipotency. Behold, low servant, fleeing from his lord and obtaining a shadow. O rottenness, o monstrousness of life and depth of death, could I like what I might not, only because I might not. What shall I render unto the Lord that, whilst my memory recalls these things, my soul is not affrighted at them? I will love thee, O Lord, and thank thee, and confess unto thy name, because thou hast forgiven me thee so great and heinous deeds of mine.

To thy grace I ascribe it, and to thy mercy that thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice. To thy grace I ascribe also whatsoever I have not done of evil, for what might I not have done, who even loved to sin for its own sake. Yeh, all I confess to a being forgiven me, both what evils I committed by my own willfulness

And what by thy guidance I committed not. What man is he who weighing his own infirmity dares to ascribe his purity and innocency to his own strength, that so he should love thee the less, as if he had less needed thy mercy, whereby thou remitest sins to those that turn to thee. For whosoever, called by thee, followed thy voice, and avoided those things which he reads me recalling and confessing of myself,

Let him not scorn me, who being sick was cured by that physician, through whose aid it was that he was not, or rather was less sick. And for this, let him love thee as much, ye and more, since by whom he sees me to have been recovered from such deep consumption of sin, by him he sees himself to have been from the like consumption

Of sin preserved. What fruit had I then, wretched man, in those things of the remembrance whereof I am now ashamed? Especially in that theft which I loved for the theftsake, and it too was nothing, and therefore the more miserable I who loved it, yet alone I had not done it, such was I then I remember, alone I had never done it. I loved them in it, also the company of the accomplices, with whom I did it.

I did not then love nothing else but the theft. Yay, rather, I did love nothing else, for that circumstance of the company was also nothing. What is in truth? Who can teach me, save he that enlighten if my heart, and discovereth its dark corners? What is it which have come into my mind to inquire and discuss and consider? For had I then loved the pairs I stole and wished to enjoy them,

I might have done it alone, had the bear commission of the theft suffice to attain my pleasure, nor needed I have inflamed the itching of my desires by the excitement of accomplices. But since my pleasure was not in those pairs, it was in the offense itself, which the company of fellow sinners occasioned. What then was this feeling? For of a truth it was too foul and woe was me who had it.

But yet, what was it who can understand his errors? It was the sport, which, as it were tickled our hearts, that we beguiled those who little thought what we were doing and much disliked it. Why, then, was my delight of such sort that I did it not alone? Because none doth ordinarily laugh alone. ordinarily no one, yet laughter, sometimes, masters men alone and singly, when no one, whatever, is with them.

If anything very ludicrous presents itself to their senses or mind, yet I had not done this alone, alone, I had never done it. behold my God, before thee, the vivid remembrance of my soul, alone. I had never committed that theft wherein what I stole, please me not. But that I stole, nor had it alone like me to do it, nor had I done it.

O friendship too, unfriendly. thou incomprehensible invader of the soul, thou greediness to do mischief out of mirth and wantonness, thou thirst of others' loss, without lust of my own gain or revenge. But when it is said, let's go, let's do it. We are ashamed not to be shameless.

Who can disentangle that twisted and intricate notiness? Fowl is it, I hate to think on it, to look on it. But thee I long for, O righteousness and innocency, beautiful and comely to all pure eyes, and of a satisfaction unsating. With thee is rest entire and life imperturbable, who so enters into thee, enters into the joy of his Lord, and shall not fear, and shall do excellently in thee all.

Excellent. I sank away from thee, and I wandered, oh my God, too much astray from thee my stay in these days of my youth, and I became to myself a barren land."